Off to Work

I'm going back to work this Wednesday after three great months with the little guy. Last week I cried every time I drove him to child care. I felt like a bad mom. Every morning I looked at his face and told him that I loved him with all my heart and I would be back as soon as I could. Who knew I would become that kind of mother. But really, can you blame me for being so mushy when it comes to our Osef? I mean, look at this face!

Gosh, Wednesday is going to be super hard.

I'm a Mama!

You know how I always apologised for not writing as often as I used to because I was busy? This time I won't; not because I enjoyed every second with my beautiful baby (any first-time mothers would agree that taking care of a baby is not the easiest thing), but because I loved every second just being with him. Yes, there were moments that I didn't enjoy such as giving birth (oh THE pain!) or when I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was crying incessantly (turned out he just needed a diaper change, silly mama!). Nonetheless, I love this little guy to death and so each moment with him is simply precious. No matter how tired I get taking care of him, I will never trust a stranger to even hold him.

The fateful day was Monday, on the 27th of August 2012. I had submitted my last work task that morning (received a call  from the boss on Friday asking if I was still strong enough to work from home and I said yes, because I felt totally normal). That afternoon at the family home with my two younger sisters exactly after we finished watching Batman the movie, my water broke at 3pm. It was like a waterfall down there and I wet the floor as I rushed to the bathroom. I was both nervous and excited, making frantic calls to Rafiee, Ayah and Mama. 

I knew from the antenatal course both my husband and I attended a couple of months before that I had a few hours so I showered and had an early dinner. When the husband came home after work at 6pm, he drove me to the hospital with Mama. That was when the pain started, prompted by the doctor who shoved his hand into you-know-what to check for dilation. That wasn't the worst part, of course. The 45-minute push surprisingly wasn't it as well. The worst was when the doctor shoved his hand again to further break my water bag and the contraction leading to the 10-cm dilation. 

My knees were shaking and I was biting my towel the whole time. It was so painful that I couldn't even cry. I just wanted someone to knock me down so I could skip the pain part and just wake up with a baby by my side. I think I was in pain from 6.30pm and as I requested for an epidural, the doctor confirmed that it was too late and I was ready to push! With my husband comforting me on my right  (he was the only one looking at the wall behind my head; he can't stand blood and blood was gushing out of me profusely) and my mom on my left giving instructions, I pushed with all my might and voila, he was out at 10.15pm. Our gorgeous baby, all bloody and icky.

I was told that all the pain would go away once you lay your eyes on the baby and guess what... they were wrong! Mama was like "Look look, that's him!" and my first two words were "Phew, finally!". I could still feel the pain down there as the doctor stitched me up, but later that night when the nurse handed me Youssef, I felt tremendous love rushing in. I felt like I wanted to protect this little creature and I couldn't stop staring at him as he slept. I still do, but now I fall asleep watching him as I don't get my 8-hour slumber. I still get six hours of sleep, but not continously as he wakes up every two to three hours. At least I don't have to change his diaper in the middle of the night, that's Rafiee's scope of work. He's a wonderful husband and even a more wonderful father, so that makes everything much easier. 

After a few days, I still didn't feel like a mother. I was, what my family described, like a robot. The baby cried and I instinctively fed him. Everyone else was speaking to him and I just felt silly having a one-sided conversation with someone who couldn't understand a word I was saying. Then somehow, gradually, without even realising it, I grew into it. I was thinking out loud whenever I was with him, like "Gosh that Kim Kardashian is so spoilt. I like Khloe, she seems normal. Urgh, I'm hungry again. Maybe I can find chocolates in the fridge." I still do that, but now I also sing. It was some boy band songs at first (since their songs are so catchy I don't even have to try memorising the lyrics) but now I can also belt out a few nursery rhymes.

So this is my sweetheart, not even a day old yet...

And this is him in his first month, enjoying the view of birds flying past the window before his bath...

And this is him at two months ++!

Born 3.2 kg, he was so tiny in my arms. But now he weighs 6.3 kg and giving him a bath is a backbreaking feat! Motherhood is not as easy as I thought (I can understand why some full-time housewives still have a nanny) and one needs a lot of energy to keep up, but one thing for sure... it's extremely rewarding.

Almost There

First it was the morning sickness. Then publishing The Longest Honeymoon and preparing for our baby's arrival. Now I'm putting the blame on the exhausting third trimester for not updating the blog. 

Yes, it's the final month! I can't believe I'll be meeting my little one very soon, insyaAllah. The first four months was the worst. I lost my appetite (I force fed myself a lot just to avoid being starved), everything I ate ended up in the toilet bowl or sometimes on the bathroom floor when I couldn't reach the proper outlet in time and I felt tired like I had been running a marathon the whole day. The next three months was much better. I still couldn't eat much but I didn't throw up as often as before and I had some energy in me which propelled me to shop for myself and the baby. Ah yes, I could fit most of my usual clothes until towards the end of the second trimester so I didn't have to buy any maternity clothes until then (except for the work pants). Even now after 37 weeks, I weight only 49kg which is only 4kg heavier than before I got pregnant. Our baby is growing at a healthy rate though at 2.4kg which is all that matters to us and the doctor (not too big please!).

My baby bump is obviously small, but I still get back pain and sleeping trouble. I can't imagine those women with a bump that looks like it can fit three babies! I get leg cramps now and then but I still drive to work. Mama was still driving a few hours before she gave birth to my youngest sister so it's hard to spoil myself. Rafiee also hasn't indulged me silly which is a good thing actually. I don't want him to be like some husbands who become extra nice and help around the house just because the wife is pregnant and then resume to the original self later. Since we got married almost four years ago, he has been consistently the best husband one could ask for and I'm forever grateful to the almighty for that. The only thing that I miss now is he no longer carries me on his shoulder and we don't wrestle anymore (for obvious reasons but I now-not-so-secretly hope he remembers our little routine once the baby is out!). For years he let me believe that I was physically stronger than him until one day I insisted that he and Mama compete in arm wrestling. He defeated her in a second and Mama has always been much, much, much stronger than me! I was baffled as it usually took him one whole minute to beat me. He grinned and told me that he enjoyed watching me brag like a little girl. Pfft! 

Well, it won't be long now. We're starting a new chapter together with an additional significant character. Changes are inevitable but we'll take one step at a time, together. One thing for sure - the baby will be born into a happy and loving home.

Ready to Order!

Yes, The Longest Honeymoon is ready to order wherever you are! Just go to www.iznizahidi.com for details. Please please please support me, I'd really appreciate it!

The Longest Honeymoon

Some of you may already know that my first book is coming out very soon, yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!! And it will also be available on Amazon, double yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!

Sorry for not updating the blog as often as I used to, the book production has been time and energy consuming (especially now that I'm also in my third trimester - two months to go!) but I enjoyed every single moment. I'm also putting together a website that will have all the important details. I'll let you know the link once the book is ready to order. Until then, have a good week!

So Many Things, So Little Time

I've been so busy with the book I haven't had time to blog. So here's a quick update. The manuscript is now being proofread and edited by a native English speaker. I'm hoping to get it printed and promoted somewhere in July. I'm so excited to be very involved in publishing my book as I'm learning so many things - new skills, software and knowledge. Gosh, I'm such a nerd. Pregnancy-wise, I've completed my second trimester and now I feel like I'm running out of time. I still have no idea how to change a diaper or breastfeed or burp a baby or the most important part for me, how to train the baby to sleep when I want to sleep. Ha-hah! And I'm starting to get the jitters of giving birth so I need to equip myself (and Rafiee too, but first I have to convince him to join me in the delivery room!) with everything that we should know. I've finished a book on it but I still feel it's insufficient. We also need to get all those baby stuff soon. It was only last week that I started buying maternity clothes and I'm so stressed out as I only got two that I like (and one of them takes ages to iron!). Shopping really is a waste of time and energy. Alright, have to go and check if online shopping is a better idea.

Book is Coming... Sooner or Later

Here's the thing. I've finished editing my book and I approached a few publishers (not all, as most make it clear that they only publish Malay novels). I was given the same reply though - that an English novel by an unknown Malaysian author generally doesn't sell. One even told me that I can publish the book when I become famous. I guess if it was authored by Kim Kardashian then they wouldn't even read the manuscript before agreeing to invest in it. Money makes the world go round which is true to a certain degree so I can totally understand their standpoint. Of course I couldn't help feeling defeated in the beginning, but not for long. I got to meet a few aspiring and also published writers who told me how they struggled for the first few years. FEW YEARS! I've been trying to get my book published for just a couple of MONTHS! 

I will still get the book published. It may take some time (but still within this year Insya Allah), a few thousand RM (everything requires money these days), energy and time, but I will get it published. If there were only five strangers buying the book because they think it's worth getting then I would've already achieved my goal.